I’ve been finding myself increasingly in this middle space between feeling successful and crumbling down in a million pieces. I guess in a way this is just a symptom of burnout but I feel there’s something beneath the surface that this presents. Let’s try to explore it and publish this post without me crumbling behind my insecurities.
Something I’ve realised overtime is that I find it really hard to let go. I don’t like to admit when I’ve given up on something and even if I do, I’m deeply scared that letting go will be the last thing I do before I realize that this meant more to me than I thought it did.
I think that this results in putting myself under a lot of pressure. At every opportunity that I see to invest myself in something, I’ll take it and just.. not let go. I think to myself that I trust only myself to understand the issues needed for the success of those things.
I’m deeply scared of failing people and failing to uphold my ideals. What if I delegate this responsibility and it only ends up failing? What if they burn out instead of me? Is this fear greater than the effort required to maintain things as they are? What if there’s no one to take the torch?
I let things slide, I feel that things are not going the way I envisioned them. I feel that things are rotting, that I’m not capable of saving things. I feel that I’m failing. I don’t want to disappoint people, I don’t want to disappoint myself.
I lie to myself : “It’ll be alright, I’ll get better” while I lie to my friends and say that I’m perfectly capable of handling these things. I realize that I’m likely to hurt people when they see through my lies both because I am lying to them and because I am hurt yet unwilling to get help. If they don’t realize that I am lying then they will feel bad as I take on much more work and responsibility than them. I fail my friends because of this and I fail my ideals because I am both hurting my friends and living a dishonest life.
If I can just.. stay strong. I lie to myself : “Just like a phoenix, when I’m this close to crumbling down, I’ll be reborn stronger, newer.” I handwave my issues telling my friends they’re just clouds passing through rather than years of bottled-up pressure, stress, insecurities and lies.
I lie to myself excusing my lies as necessary and that I only need to hold on a bit longer. I realize this and fall deeper into despair as I refuse to let go. This image of strength is no more than a lie. It’s worthless.
I feel so disconnected that I tell myself that I can’t talk about this. I have no real friends because I am just a liar. I know this but I tell myself that this is fine. The good I can bring is worth more than the harm I am causing myself.
I can’t take this anymore. I can tell that I’m crumbling under this pressure. I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to let go. I need someone to pull me out of this. I can tell that I’ll crumble and isolate further if I don’t.
I lie to myself. I say that this whole thing is just victimizing myself knowing that the analysis is true and that all paths lead to this. I lie to myself saying that I’m just burdening my friends knowing that they’d be more than willing to help me.
I’m sorry that I failed you and myself. I’ll let go. Please be there.