Today, I want to be more focused on how I feel regarding this website for my ramblings. I have a certain love/hate with regards to analytics which I want to write about. I think I’ll probably remove analytics. I also want to explain how I feel about the website itself and why it exists.
Frustration of the numbers
I like that I can see that someone is reading these posts but I think it misses the point of what I want out of these posts. I want a connection, I want an interaction. I want to hear and peer into other people’s messy and raw thoughts.
These meaningless numbers don’t give me that. They just give me performance anxiety. I feel that what I wrote should’ve reached more people, that I might just stay under the water and never reach someone else. I’ve had people read these posts, there were grammar fixes and phrasing fixes and I’m grateful for that. I just wish there were meaningful conversations about their contents.
Do they just agree? Are they scared to share their thoughts with me? Did I make them reflect at all? I don’t know. Maybe they’ll read this and start sharing. I don’t plan to share this one anywhere. I want you, the person stumbling on this page to share me your thoughts. I don’t know when you’re here, I don’t know where and I certainly don’t know who you are but I wish I could know what you think of this.
I’m removing analytics and focusing on the featured comments. I hope people like them. I hope it makes people want to share a piece of their mind with me rather than just read it.
Why does this all exist?
I don’t know if I’ve shared this before on this website but I feel that this website should try to reflect who I am. I want this to be a proof of some sort. I was here, I had these thoughts, I changed, I was wrong but I existed.
I guess in a way I also feel a sense of belonging on the internet. I’ve grown up on the internet with people I’ve never met outside of a screen. I’ve learned, I’ve cried, I’ve argued endlessly, I’ve changed - I’ve lived and continue to live in the world of ones and zeros.
I feel that this website is the closest thing I have to permanency and control over time and change.
I’m not a user, I’m not an account, I’m not a machine, I’m just a human writing these words. Hopefully that can forever be recorded by someone, somewhere. A permanent record I existed, no matter how insignificant my life may be. I think the more I write here, the less scared I feel that dying tomorrow would mean to be forgotten, to have all of these thoughts lost in the volatile memory which is my brain.
This is my domain, this is the proof I existed.
Hopefully these thoughts reach you. Hopefully I can answer any questions you may have for me even after I can no longer give them.